


I Don't Love You

by Celestyn_Iero



Series: Like I'm Gonna Lose You [1]
Category: My Chemical Romance, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-22
Updated: 2016-04-22
Packaged: 2018-06-03 17:12:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6619258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Celestyn_Iero/pseuds/Celestyn_Iero
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gerard has a mental disorder yet does not know of it, causing him to think he's just an asshole who can't stop hurting the ones he loves most. What he doesn't know is that it will cause him to force loss of the one he loves most from his life. Will he get help? Will he survive without his love? Or will he come crawling back to the light of his life?</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Don't Love You

[Cover Photo ](http://i.imgur.com/BRZx99B.jpg)     

 

     "I can't believe you! I told you specifically _not_   to invite Mikey for dinner!" Gerard practically snarled out under his breath to Frank, washing the dishes rather harshly as he glanced over his shoulder at his younger brother who was listening to music with headphones plugged into his phone. Frank was leaning against the island behind Gerard, frowning softly, "Gee baby, you needed to make up with him eventually...." Frank spoke in a soft, disappointed tone. Gerard let out a small growl and dropped the plate he'd been washing on the floor, it shattering. He turned on his heels to glare at Frank, "And what if I didn't _want_ to make up with him?!" Mikey jumped at hearing a plate crack over his music, quickly getting up and mumbling excuses for leaving as he left the house swiftly, shutting the door quietly. He drove off and as he did that, Gerard grabbed Frank's wrists, pushing them behind his body on the island counter top and holding him there in a slightly discomforting, borderline painful position. Frank gasped and kept his arms there, knowing that he would just infuriate his lover more if he moved. Gerard moved his hand to slap across Frank's face and when he flinched only slightly he let go, his hand flying to make contact with Frank's cheek which left a bright red mark. Frank teared up a bit as he was in quite a bit of pain, biting his lip hard to hold back tears but the attempt was in vain as the tears spilled over. "Why are you crying?" Gerard bellowed out, "You can't possibly be sad, after all you deserve this, it's all your fault! You did this to yourself." He snarled at the smaller man, towering over him. Frank crying out and whimpering Gerard's name got him to snap out of it. Gee looked down at him and quickly pulled him into his chest, "No no, Frankie please don't cry, please baby, you know I didn't mean to get angry with you." He stroked the small Italian's hair and attempted to make up for what he did. Frank had gotten used to being slapped around and then smothered in affection afterwards when his fiance snapped out of it. Frank didn't care that his friends accused Gerard of abuse, he still loved his idiot to death and he made that he let him know every spare chance he got.

     Frank was slowly getting thinner, and sicker as Gerard's abusive tendencies slowly deteriorating the Italian's health. He was currently in the bathroom coughing up blood, too weak to hold down any food at this time. He checked over his shoulder to the door repetitively to make sure that Gerard hadn't come or opened the door. Frank sniffled and cleaned his lips, brushing his teeth and flushes the toilet, making sure there's no sign of what just happened. He walked out of the bathroom and sat on the couch, waiting for Gerard to come back from upstairs, sitting quietly with his legs curled to his body. When Gerard silently came down the stairs he stopped at the top and glanced at his pitiful fiance, not wanting to break his already fragile heart. He knew that this was all his fault and his own self was the reason for this feeling and what was happening to Frank. He had tried to tell Frank's friends that he knew what he did was wrong but couldn't help it. Mikey offered to take Gee to the doctor's to get him checked out but of course no matter how badly Gee wanted that he had to blow it by yelling at Mikey and throwing plates and vases at him. He twinged every time he looked at Frank, feeling awful not only for doing these unspeakable acts of violence to the man he was _supposed_   to love. When he caught himself thinking the words _supposed to_ he would correct himself mentally, _no, the man I do love_ and he didn't understand why he needed to correct his own thoughts but back to the point he felt bad as well for what he's put Mikey through over the course of the past four and a half years. He was getting sick and tired of himself hurting the people he loved, wanting to stop it, all of the pain he caused coming back to bite him in the ass as it hurt him to see the aftermath. He knew that he was going to lose everything he honest to god actually cared about if he kept this up, he walked the rest of the way down the stairs and to Frank before he made himself start crying as his throat was already constricting. He pulled the small man into him as he curled around him and cuddled him, "Hey Frankie baby, I love you, you know that right?" He planted a soft, gentle kiss on his lips. Frank smiled weakly and looked up at him softly, kissing back fragilely, it broke Gerard's heart to see him like this yet it hurt even more to hear Frank's frail voice in response to him, "I know Gee baby, I love you too," the smaller man offered him a heart-breaking yet happy smile. Frank didn't even understand that the things Gerard put him through where bad, he just thought he loved him and that it was his own way of showing it, that's also exactly how he would defend him to his friends.

     Frank overtime became stronger after he started seeing a therapist named Brendon, outside of therapy he was like the boy next door they made from an asshole. He would let sarcasm shine through more times than not and he could always bring a smile back to Frank's lips. Gerard came to despise Brendon because most times that he had need to make Frank smile again was when Gerard had scared it away from his lips. Frank loved how Gerard seemed to give him even more attention now that he was getting healthier, to him it seeming only due to his health increasing dramatically. Mikey had started to come by every couple months to check in on the two and Gerard finally made up with him. It hadn't been as easy as one might think however. The scene consisted of Mikey walking in the front door, Gerard throwing plates at him that he narrowly missed before Gee broke down and apologized for everything that he had done in the past four years to him. Mikey was quite easy to forgive him, hugging him tightly and comforting his brother. Frank had stood in the doorway and smiled as he watched them, absolutely adoring this caring side of his fiance as he didn't get to see it often for himself.

     Gee didn't know what he was supposed to do anymore, he loved Frank to death but all he could ever see himself doing was hurting him even when he just wanted to curl up and let Frank hold him. Whenever he closed his eyes scenes of hurting Frank would pass behind the lids, causing him pain and every breath he took was a blow to the chest,  _why do I deserve to breath, when I have hurt one of the most perfect, beautiful men in the world? I've gone and taken him for granted when I promised I wouldn't. Damnit I don't deserve him. He deserves much better than me, I am a literal piece of trash and he is my God. I should kiss the ground he walks on yet all I have managed to do is make him think he should do that for me instead._ These thoughts in his mind where recurring and they made his eyes sting, tears that would threaten to spill over that were denied the freedom to do so even in the privacy of a locked bathroom. He would not allow himself to cry no matter how much he needed to. He wanted to hurt himself for every time he had hurt Frank yet every time he went to bring the silver sliver of cold metal across his skin he would recall Frank's voice from when he struggled with a similar pain in secondary school years. He couldn't bring himself to do it, knowing it would hurt Frank far more. Frank would probably instantly assume that he had done something wrong to make Gerard feel the need to do so. He hid the metal in a keepsake box in his nightstand so that Frank could not find it even if he tried. 

     Gerard had started to pick up odd hours at work just to stay away from Frank as often as he could, the longer he was away the less he hurt his lover. Frank and Gerard were both happier this way and their relationship seemed even less strained than usual even though Frank would be up at odd hours of the night waiting for Gerard to get in. When he got home there was practically a routine of Frank coming up and tugging Gerard's top coat off of his body as he moved to put it away he would kiss up and down his neck, offering to massage his back, shoulders and feet since he had a long day at work. First he would work on his feet, carefully untying the laces on his shoes and slipping them off before tenderly sliding his socks off and he started to rub his feet with a lotion, finishing this work after a good five minutes before he unbuttoned the top few of his buttons on the shirt to get to his shoulders. He would work knots out of his shoulders before discarding the shirt on the floor, pushing him onto the couch fairly roughly yet careful to make sure not to hurt him or set him off. Gee would moan and groan as his Italian lover would rub the knots out of his back, setting Frank off into a horny frenzy that would end up with a pile of discarded clothes across the living room and they would end up making rough, angry love wherever they decided. They always seemed to end the night with Frank crying in the bedroom, curled up to sleep and Gerard sitting in the living room with his head in his hands, waiting until he heard Frank cease to sob and his breath growing heavy. As soon as he heard him fall asleep he would tiptoe into the room and lay behind him with his arm over his waist, moving hair out of his face and kissing away the tears, leaving soft trails of kisses down his face as he would whispers sweet nothings and "I love you"'s to the man asleep before him. He wished there was a way for him to stop hurting him and just love. He cherished these moments as it was hard for him to sleep he would lay there like this for several hours. When he would wake up the younger man would be turned around, Gee would kiss his forehead, closing his eyes again and waiting for him to wake up. The both of them would always look forward to waking up in a tangle of limbs each morning.

     Gerard was getting sick of the routine of hurt his lover in the morning, go to work until odd hours, get massaged and make love, hurt him again, go to sleep in his arms after he was already sound asleep and then it repeating when he woke up out of three to five hours of sleep. Gerard finally got sick of the routine and told Frank due to personal problems he had needed to take a break from living with him. He took a duffel bag full of stuff, only stuff he absolutely needed and went off to Mikey's flat on the other side of town. He left a teary-eyed Frank in the doorway of their house as he left, sobbing himself all the way to his brother's house. Once he got there he used the key Mikey had given him to get in, curling up on the couch and waiting for him to get home. He opened his eyes, not recalling shutting them, to Mikey shaking him awake, "Hey bro, what's up? Why're you here?" Gee just looked up to Mikey and sighed, "It's getting to be too much, I've been hurting him daily and it's sickening my heart." He put his head in his hands and sighed, Mikey patting his back, "What if we got you that therapist I told you about?" Gerard's head snapped up as he narrowed his eyes at him, "Don't you dare even suggest that! There is nothing wrong with me! I don't even need a therapist." He pushed the other off of him and furrowed his brows furiously at his brother. Mikey sighed and left the room, "Alright, whatever" he shook his head and got a cup of water, taking whatever medicine the doctors prescribed that month to keep him sane, dealing with Gee having pushed him over the edge as well.

     It had been several weeks of seeing Frank a couple times a week while he stayed at Mikey's texting him through the night and thinking he'd finally stopped wanting to hurt his love. He decided to take work off early and go by Frank's house, coming in and surprising him in the study with kisses up and down the side of his neck. Frank smiled softly and he held one of Gee's hands. Gee had asked if he would like him to cook them a nice dinner with wine. He smiled as they both went to the kitchen to get dinner ready, spinning around the kitchen, working like gears in a clock. Gerard liked this feeling of closeness to Frank, grabbing him by the waist and kissing him softly as they spun around each other once more. He smiled before they parted, Gerard putting their meals on plates as Frank set the table and poured red wine into the both of their cups. Gerard put their meals down and pulled Frank's chair out, pushing him in gently and sitting across from him. They ate dinner and chatted over wine for a long time, holding hands over their dining table. Gerard ended up taking Frank upstairs and making love to him, falling asleep in a tangle of sweaty, sticky limbs. Gerard woke up and kissed the back of Frank's neck, knowing that the calm wouldn't last long he sighed and sat up in bed. He started crying, realizing how much he loved Frank but he knew what he had to do. He completely fell apart at the idea but he knew what must be done.

     Gerard had decided that he was going to take even more hours, often only being home three to five hours a day, cuddling up to Frank when he was. He was absolutely pleased that they hadn't fought in a long time yet Frank seemed detached and despondent the more and more he was away. All Gerard could think was about how no matter what he decides to do Frank ends up hurting one way or another. Frank had stopped begging him for kisses, afraid that he would think him needy like a child. Gerard sighed internally and gave Frank all the kisses he knew he refrained from asking for and more. He just wanted to show Frank that he cared and that he loved him after putting him through hell for the past four years along with everyone else who was still close to him. Frank became slightly less sickly when Gerard made sure he was there for lunches and for the evening but picking up night shifts again. Gerard was just happy that Frank wasn't as ill as when they originally had to get him Brendon or anything.

     Frank had brought a paper to Gerard that was signed by the one and only, Dr. Urie stating that he must come for a house visit and stay one full day to see how well the environment had changed appropriately to Frank's great change in personality from quiet and sickly to vibrant and healthy. Gerard sighed and sat on the island, pulling Frank between his legs, holding his head in place on his leg as he wanted him to listen to him. "Frankie, you know I can't stand that fucktwit, why didn't you tell him no?" Frank looked up at him with big doe eyes as he responded, "He wouldn't take no for an answer and said that it was needed to record progress, so I reluctantly agreed, I'm sorry Gee baby." Gee sighed and kept Frank's head there, grip tightening slightly without notice until Frank let out a small yelp causing him to loosen his grip, "Sorry Frankie," he mumbled and played with his hair. Frank had easily forgiven the mis-movement and squeezed his hand, working the skin between his own to keep himself lulling off but not falling asleep. Gerard smiled down at him before he felt an infuriating rage suddenly took over his body, causing him to shove Frank away and grip at the counter, shoulders tensed. Frank had been used to this as awhile ago it happened quite a bit so he knew not to try and touch him until he calmed down or asked to be touched. Gerard's shoulders suddenly went limp again and he motioned for his lover to come over again, he had gotten off the island and took Frank's hand, leading him to the bedroom. He smiled and laid down behind the half-naked Italian in bed as he waited for him to fall asleep, caressing over his skin and kissing behind his ear, eventually hearing his breath even out. He got up and started getting dressed for work which would only be a four hour shift, hoping Frank didn't wake up in the middle of the night without him, biting his lip and working it between his teeth as he grabbed his keys and walked to the car. He was about to leave, turning the headlights on when he saw Frank in the lights, he walked to the window and Gerard put it down, "Where are you going Gee?" he said in a whiny and sleepy voice. Gee grabbed one of his hands and smiled at him, "I'm just going to work for four hours, they need me and I will be back before you know it right back behind your sleeping self. So I need you to go back inside and go to sleep, okay baby?" Frank nodded and leaned his head in the car to kiss Gerard, smiling when he bit his lip and tugged slightly. Gee pulled out after Frank went in and turned off the bedroom light.

     A few months had passed since Dr. Urie had come by and marked off the living situation as sustainable and Gerard was fiddling with the engagement ring on his finger. He waited for Frank to come back to the room because he had called him in there. He stood right before he walked in, calling him to the bed to sit. "Okay, we both know our relationship has been strained for the past five years, we can't just keep this up pretending like I'm not an asshole to you and just go fuck the pain behind your smiles away. I get a twinge of guilt every time I look at you because it reminds me of how I hurt you and Mikey, those sad smiles break my heart. I don't think that we should be together anymore. I think we need to break up." he bit his lip and teared up, sliding the ring off and into Frank's hand. Frank started tearing up as Gerard started to love, "Gee, would you even turn to say.." Gee cut him off as he turned towards him at the door frame, "I don't love you, like I loved you yesterday." With that Gerard was out of their house and he drove off to Mikey's house, sobbing his eyes out to him and clutching to his shirt.


End file.
